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lhskarkaThis was behind a locked post, but he said I could share. Because this totally makes me giggle.
Eclipse, the review...
So, here we are at book 3, and what a surprise, more of the same.
Given the lack of events and plot in the book, really this series is one continual narrative. So the lines between them are blurring somewhat as I go on. Sadly the mild interest that New Moon provoked fades away and dies with Eclipse. Dreamy Edward is back and so is the endless face touching and tedious romantic banter. Its like listening to a cutesy couple on the phone saying 'no you hang up first' to each other endlessly for 600 pages. If there is any plot to this book (and that is a big if) it is 'will Bella pick Edward or Jacob?' However, that is an utterly pointless question as it is quite obvious from even book 1 that Bella and Edward are going to stay together forever. What is also most annoying about Eclipse is that Jacob drops to Edward's level, losing much of the character he had in New Moon to mope about after Bella. The last few pages also change point of view from Bella to Jacob, although it is hard to spot as Jacob thinks exactly the same way Bella does apparently. So Eclipse has shifted me away from 'Team Jacob' and closer to 'Team Volturi kills the lot of them'
We are introduced to some more werewolf legend and history which brings about 30 pages of interest (570 to go) to the book. Its a decent enough history but it is hopelessly Americacentric. The werewolves are decended from Native american 'spirit warriors' who gain wolf spirits due to some bad guys doing some body swapping. All well and good, but if its a native american tradition, why all the legends in Europe about werewolves? Meyer ignores the rest of the world, which is a shame as she puts the centre of vampire power firmly in Italy. Who protected the world from vampires before the small American tribe did anything?
A certain degree of misogynism rears its ugly head as well in the shape of a new addition to the werewolf pack. It was annoying me in New Moon how there were no girl werewolves. Well, Eclipse sorts that out with the obviously token apointment of a new girl werewolf (Leah). However, reading about her makes it clear Meyer does not really want her there. Its as if she is jealous there is another girl hanging around with her cute boys. So Leah is described as a rotten element in the pack. She is bitchy and creating nasty girl politics in the hive mind the wolves share and destroying their fraturnity. In the fight at the end she is the one to make a mistake that nearly gets Jacob squashed. The level of loathing directed at Leah by the author is just horribly unfair.
The other plot (if it counts as such) is Victoria the vampire finally sorting a plan to come after Bella. It is interesting that we get a description of the way vampire politics work 'in the south' which is a little nastier. Although there isn't any explaination why these tactics have not been adopted anywhere else. The book painfully draws to a climax, endlessly preparing for a huge attack that takes hundreds of pages to finally arrive. Mainly as Bella keeps trying to 'keep people safe' and trying to ensure Edward and Jacob don't do any fighting. Dear God, has she seen the odds? Even though everyone keeps telling her its all fine and will be a walk in the park she continues to harp on and whine about the danger.
The most inexcusable part is that after all this build up, as soon as the fight actually happens we remain with Edward, Bella and Jacob in a tent miles away talking about their feelings. Aaaaaaaaaaargh! There is a bit of fighting and conflict (finally!) when the big bad decides to outflank the good guys and go for Bella. How none of these experts didn't see that coming I don't know.
In general, Eclipse is the middle child of the series. Even less happens in this one than in Twilight and there is painfully little in the book that expands the world and the characters. It is just endless navel gazing about relationships that are obviously not going to change. One of the Volturi appears again and finally proves to be rather nasty and ruthless. However, I can't help but feel this is because they send Jane Volturi, had it been one of the male Volturi they would have been nice. Meyer seems intent on insisting girls are either malicious, manipulative or hurtful and men are either victims or the only ones to be reasonable. Eclipse has sucked out most of the 'enjoyment' I was getting from the Twilight series. Meyer takes longer to get to the point and the waffle is just tedious. If there wasn't only one more book to go I probably wouldn't bother. Actually, if I didn't have the other book to hand I probably wouldnt bother with it either.
Anyway, on to Breaking Dawn, I've come this far after all, which adds another 100 pages and is the book she insisted couldn't be edited. The signs are not good...
On a related note, for those of you who have read the books, here's a little fiction inspired by their wrongness...
Charlie and I needed supplies, so it was up to me to do the shopping of course. Sometimes I was glad that he and Renee had broken up as looking after both of them together would be such a responsibility. Luckily I am a teenager so I know better than either of my parents. Still, now that my beautiful Edward and I were together, life in this hick town called Forks was so much better. As I grazed around the aisles I felt my stomach rumble. I’d forgotten to eat today, having spent most of it with my gorgeous Edward. As a vampire, he doesn’t need to eat and while he keeps telling me to, I just never want to leave his cold but loving embrace.
I needed a snack, so I grabbed a packet of cheese and onion flavour crisps from the display. Then I almost rushed towards the checkout, thinking only of when I could be back in stunning Edward’s arms. But something made me stop.
I looked at the crisps and remembered with horror what had been nagging at the back of my mind since I picked them up. Jacob said he liked cheese once. Oh god, my poor Jacob. How I missed his smile. Is that why I’d chosen that flavor? Was I thinking about Jacob? I could have grabbed the prawn cocktail or even the salt and vinegar. Why, why the cheese and onion? I had betrayed lovely Edward, I could only picture his golden eyes turned away from me, his winsome sadness plain in the way he was trying not to cry. I held myself together and fought back the tears of grief. I couldn’t let the sales assistant see me, everyone in this town was utterly obsessed with my every move, and such a collapse would have made the headlines of the local newspaper. But I was losing the fight and tears began to flow from the hole inside me that had opened up once more.
Then I remembered that only yesterday I had been thinking that magical Edward would still be so very kissable if he had onion breath. I was free again; it was the onion I had been drawn to, not the cheese. It was not a betrayal at all. How I wished both Jacob and Edward could be crisp flavours, so easily mixed in a bag, but that could never be.
I paid as quickly as I could and left the shop clutching my shopping. Outside the shop was a silver Volvo, a car too good for anyone but my striking lover, who, while an eternal teenager acted like a middle aged accountant. Elegant Edward was waiting for me as usual; he too couldn’t bear to be alone for a single moment. I wanted to walk though, as I didn’t think he was safe driving a car, anything could happen in one of those machines so I had to keep him off the roads. While I was unable to put one foot in front of the other without falling over, I would suffer the broken bones a walk home might bring as long as the invulnerable immortal tank I had for a boyfriend wouldn’t risk getting scratched. After all, I was only a girl, I wasn’t important and he is utterly perfect. Seeing me standing there unsure what to do he wound down the window.
“Get in the car bitch,” he ordered with his mysterious eyes in that dreamy voice.
I did as I was told without a further thought.
Eclipse, the review...
So, here we are at book 3, and what a surprise, more of the same.
Given the lack of events and plot in the book, really this series is one continual narrative. So the lines between them are blurring somewhat as I go on. Sadly the mild interest that New Moon provoked fades away and dies with Eclipse. Dreamy Edward is back and so is the endless face touching and tedious romantic banter. Its like listening to a cutesy couple on the phone saying 'no you hang up first' to each other endlessly for 600 pages. If there is any plot to this book (and that is a big if) it is 'will Bella pick Edward or Jacob?' However, that is an utterly pointless question as it is quite obvious from even book 1 that Bella and Edward are going to stay together forever. What is also most annoying about Eclipse is that Jacob drops to Edward's level, losing much of the character he had in New Moon to mope about after Bella. The last few pages also change point of view from Bella to Jacob, although it is hard to spot as Jacob thinks exactly the same way Bella does apparently. So Eclipse has shifted me away from 'Team Jacob' and closer to 'Team Volturi kills the lot of them'
We are introduced to some more werewolf legend and history which brings about 30 pages of interest (570 to go) to the book. Its a decent enough history but it is hopelessly Americacentric. The werewolves are decended from Native american 'spirit warriors' who gain wolf spirits due to some bad guys doing some body swapping. All well and good, but if its a native american tradition, why all the legends in Europe about werewolves? Meyer ignores the rest of the world, which is a shame as she puts the centre of vampire power firmly in Italy. Who protected the world from vampires before the small American tribe did anything?
A certain degree of misogynism rears its ugly head as well in the shape of a new addition to the werewolf pack. It was annoying me in New Moon how there were no girl werewolves. Well, Eclipse sorts that out with the obviously token apointment of a new girl werewolf (Leah). However, reading about her makes it clear Meyer does not really want her there. Its as if she is jealous there is another girl hanging around with her cute boys. So Leah is described as a rotten element in the pack. She is bitchy and creating nasty girl politics in the hive mind the wolves share and destroying their fraturnity. In the fight at the end she is the one to make a mistake that nearly gets Jacob squashed. The level of loathing directed at Leah by the author is just horribly unfair.
The other plot (if it counts as such) is Victoria the vampire finally sorting a plan to come after Bella. It is interesting that we get a description of the way vampire politics work 'in the south' which is a little nastier. Although there isn't any explaination why these tactics have not been adopted anywhere else. The book painfully draws to a climax, endlessly preparing for a huge attack that takes hundreds of pages to finally arrive. Mainly as Bella keeps trying to 'keep people safe' and trying to ensure Edward and Jacob don't do any fighting. Dear God, has she seen the odds? Even though everyone keeps telling her its all fine and will be a walk in the park she continues to harp on and whine about the danger.
The most inexcusable part is that after all this build up, as soon as the fight actually happens we remain with Edward, Bella and Jacob in a tent miles away talking about their feelings. Aaaaaaaaaaargh! There is a bit of fighting and conflict (finally!) when the big bad decides to outflank the good guys and go for Bella. How none of these experts didn't see that coming I don't know.
In general, Eclipse is the middle child of the series. Even less happens in this one than in Twilight and there is painfully little in the book that expands the world and the characters. It is just endless navel gazing about relationships that are obviously not going to change. One of the Volturi appears again and finally proves to be rather nasty and ruthless. However, I can't help but feel this is because they send Jane Volturi, had it been one of the male Volturi they would have been nice. Meyer seems intent on insisting girls are either malicious, manipulative or hurtful and men are either victims or the only ones to be reasonable. Eclipse has sucked out most of the 'enjoyment' I was getting from the Twilight series. Meyer takes longer to get to the point and the waffle is just tedious. If there wasn't only one more book to go I probably wouldn't bother. Actually, if I didn't have the other book to hand I probably wouldnt bother with it either.
Anyway, on to Breaking Dawn, I've come this far after all, which adds another 100 pages and is the book she insisted couldn't be edited. The signs are not good...
On a related note, for those of you who have read the books, here's a little fiction inspired by their wrongness...
Charlie and I needed supplies, so it was up to me to do the shopping of course. Sometimes I was glad that he and Renee had broken up as looking after both of them together would be such a responsibility. Luckily I am a teenager so I know better than either of my parents. Still, now that my beautiful Edward and I were together, life in this hick town called Forks was so much better. As I grazed around the aisles I felt my stomach rumble. I’d forgotten to eat today, having spent most of it with my gorgeous Edward. As a vampire, he doesn’t need to eat and while he keeps telling me to, I just never want to leave his cold but loving embrace.
I needed a snack, so I grabbed a packet of cheese and onion flavour crisps from the display. Then I almost rushed towards the checkout, thinking only of when I could be back in stunning Edward’s arms. But something made me stop.
I looked at the crisps and remembered with horror what had been nagging at the back of my mind since I picked them up. Jacob said he liked cheese once. Oh god, my poor Jacob. How I missed his smile. Is that why I’d chosen that flavor? Was I thinking about Jacob? I could have grabbed the prawn cocktail or even the salt and vinegar. Why, why the cheese and onion? I had betrayed lovely Edward, I could only picture his golden eyes turned away from me, his winsome sadness plain in the way he was trying not to cry. I held myself together and fought back the tears of grief. I couldn’t let the sales assistant see me, everyone in this town was utterly obsessed with my every move, and such a collapse would have made the headlines of the local newspaper. But I was losing the fight and tears began to flow from the hole inside me that had opened up once more.
Then I remembered that only yesterday I had been thinking that magical Edward would still be so very kissable if he had onion breath. I was free again; it was the onion I had been drawn to, not the cheese. It was not a betrayal at all. How I wished both Jacob and Edward could be crisp flavours, so easily mixed in a bag, but that could never be.
I paid as quickly as I could and left the shop clutching my shopping. Outside the shop was a silver Volvo, a car too good for anyone but my striking lover, who, while an eternal teenager acted like a middle aged accountant. Elegant Edward was waiting for me as usual; he too couldn’t bear to be alone for a single moment. I wanted to walk though, as I didn’t think he was safe driving a car, anything could happen in one of those machines so I had to keep him off the roads. While I was unable to put one foot in front of the other without falling over, I would suffer the broken bones a walk home might bring as long as the invulnerable immortal tank I had for a boyfriend wouldn’t risk getting scratched. After all, I was only a girl, I wasn’t important and he is utterly perfect. Seeing me standing there unsure what to do he wound down the window.
“Get in the car bitch,” he ordered with his mysterious eyes in that dreamy voice.
I did as I was told without a further thought.
