Watched Ninja Assassin
Comes with blood! Lots of blood! Lots of nifty arcing CGI blood! So much blood that even if you start watching this film expecting a lot of blood, you'll find yourself saying "Hey, that's a lot of blood!" Also, violence! (Think about how the Bride destroys the Crazy 88 in Kill Bill and you're nearly there.) And it's COOL!
Also comes with rain. Not quite as much rain as blood, but when it shows up, it's heavy rain. Rain that bounces off the top of the actors heads in disconcerting fashion when they're having a 'moment'. Also has this actor:
Isn't he adorable? As they say in the movie "He's a ninja? He looks like he belongs in a boy band."
His name is Rain. Not in the movie - in the movie he plays 'Raizo'. His name in real life is Rain. Well, actually it's Jeong Ji-Hoon, but over here it's Rain
. (And he was once in a boy band.) Stephen Colbert made fun of him
, but also had him as a guest on the show. You may have also noticed him in Speed Racer
, but not much else, unless you happen to be a fan of Korean cinema. But I digress...
Because wait, there's more! With your Ninja Assassin package, you also get ACTION! Awesome action! Brilliantly choreographed action! (This is not sarcasm on my part!) The fight scenes are fantastic and well-filmed! Also CGI enhanced, but that doesn't matter because they are so much fun to watch! You'll sit there going "Wow, that was awesome!". I am a particular fan of the running ninja battle through heavy speeding traffic. Very nifty. (All though, I'm not sure how secret a society of ninja assassins can remain if they often cause 100-car pile-ups on the freeway...)
But there's still more! When the ninjas aren't running in traffic, they are sneaky. Super sneaky. CGI enhanced sneaky - so they actually coalesce out of the shadows. Accompanied by a sort of slithery-whispery sound effect. That works. It's creepy. I got chills. It was my favorite thing about this movie, because it is so well done. CREEPY! (This effect also made gmskarka
wonder why Ninja Warrior
doesn't have a 'blending into shadows' competition round.)
And it is good that the movie has all of this, because it also has dialogue that goes clunk
. Like expository scenes that sum up everything that you have just learned right along with the characters in the first part of the movie. This movie tells
you lots of things, even after it has just finished showing
you the same things. Not even J. Michael Strazinski, called in at the last minute to do an emergency 53-hour marathon rewrite of the script, could stop all of it's clunkiness. I will give him credit for this line, though: "I'm just a forensic researcher. It's like a fancy way of saying I'm a librarian."
The plot, such as it is, contains a half-dozen or so reasons for revenge, combined with a plucky-researcher in over her head after discovering a secret and deadly society, and a REALLY HUGE "gun over the mantle-piece" device. But the plot? Not why you should watch it. And you SHOULD watch it. (If you aren't squeamish about bloody, gorey violence.)
Because it gets four out of five tit-monkeys for:
Action! Creepy-Sneaky ninjas! Guys who can heal themselves while doing finger-exercises! And BLOOD! (It's the star of the show!)
Watch this movie!